Friday, October 26, 2012

Mound of Earth

There is a fresh mound of earth in the woods behind my house. Beneath it lies my friend of eleven years. I've dug plenty of holes in my lifetime, but never a grave. It was difficult to do. There were many rocks and roots in the way. There were tears in the way as well.

As I worked I thought about why the tears were coming so easily now. My Lilly has been missing for nearly two weeks. Each night I checked the shelter websites and Craig's List for an ad that was never going to be placed.  Kind friends helped me look. Friends tried to will her home. I had hope.

As I stood over the open earth and placed her in, I told her how sorry I was that we didn't know she got out. Sorry that we didn't even realize for a whole day. And sorry for all those times that I ignored her to do "work."

The quentessential Siamese, she was by my side always. She was so beautiful. And sweet. I know that she knew that I loved her.

But as much as I loved her for her, I really think my tears today were for eleven years of life that have passed in the blink of an eye. Lilly was with me through a divorce, a 145 pound weight loss, a move to a different state, a new marriage, two babies, job loss, new jobs, major illness, and much inbetween.

For two weeks I've prayed for my sweet cat to come home. I'm not sure why my prayer wasn't answered. I might not ever know. I just know I miss my friend who slept curled up beside my pillow each night.

There is some relief in knowing.

The hardest part has been watching a man who claims not to like cats walk outside each evening and stare into the her name, take off his hat, and shake his head. He loved her too.

Ahead of us lies a conversation with two little ones that will be much harder than dealing with my own feelings about this. If they ask me why Lilly had to go to heaven right now, I won't have an answer.

For every animal of the forest is mine,
and the cattle on a thousand hills.
I know every bird in the mountains,
and the creatures of the field are mine.
~Psalm 50:11-12